Destructive

I don’t see myself as someone essentially different from the norm. Most of the time, I’m a pretty happy person. I have great friends, and a loving family (with some issues, though what family doesn’t have their issues) . All in all, I have all the ingredients for a happy or at least content life. The thing is, I have some dark bouts that occur from time to time and seem to suck away all the positive energy from my life. Today, I feel like one of those is happening.

Today, we had to take some pics at work (individual team photos, nothing fancy). I saw myself in them and they knocked me right back to reality, a reality not similar to the one in my mind. I hated every inch of what I saw!

When did I become this person? Or was I always like this, only my imagination led me to believe I looked like something else entirely?

I mean I know I’m fat, but I don’t pay that much attention to it on a daily-up-to-the-minute-basis. I carry on with my life, business as usual. But I always get slapped by this harsh truth when I see photos like these of myself, when I try to shop for clothes or when I get those looks/remark. Those looks implying that you’re not an intelligent, normally functioning human being, deserving of love and attention just because you’re a big pile of fat mass.

Whenever this happens my self-esteem takes a huge blow and I go into full self-destructive mode, which makes me hate myself even more.

I’m sick of this, I’m sick of having to fight everyday in order to fit into a place that’s mine to begin with, I’m sick of having to be the nice, accommodating one, because really how can I even dare to be anything else with the way I  look.

I really hope with all my heart that this will be different in the future, but I don’t know when that day will come!